Expat - family - friendship

Lyon, France

This article follows one where I was writing about the fact that being close family does not mean close in opinions, personality, values . . .

That can be particularly hard to handle, with many consequences on one’s life as it goes against what we are taught to believe. 

Families represent the first roots, those from which we grow and colour our future by acceptance or rejection.

Those with which we have to decide the distance we want to keep with.

Far ? Close ?

Families are a social and a political cement as well.

How to manage the equation between:

Respect- Love – Spectrum for the freedom to be different – Guilt – Anger . . .

All that made me bounce on the very specific situation of the expatriates.

Most expatriates say their friends are family.

They consider them as hugely important in their life. Sometimes more than their original family.

Friends give a sense of belonging to a community.

Friends cut the social isolation. Very often, work is absent for one person in the expat couple so social links cannot come from the ‘work department’

Between friends, there is no common history. There is no past relation. The board is blank when meeting the first time.

No ‘psychological debts’ to adjust to. Those can be anchored in several generations.

One can even invent themselves differently and ‘pretend’. Nobody will know.

No strings. Freedom to be.

No need to stay in touch forever. Which gives more freedom to as there is a choice.

Expatriation is like a ride in a taxi. You get in the new location, you chose to draw new relationships, activities, roles. . . like you would chat with the taxi driver and then you can get out of it. You are gone and keep what you chose to keep from it; till the next one (back home or different location).

The difference is in the choice.

You do not chose your family and all its history you are part of.

You can chose your friends.

Nothing new there.

Many writers have created stories around this.

One that pop into my mind instantly is the “Familles, je vous hais ! “ “Families, I hate you !” from André Gide ( 22/11/1869-19/02/1951 – French author and winner of the the Nobel prize in literature in 1947)

I believe that the expatriation frame makes this even more important.

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Breathing, Meditating

Hope this picture will give you a good feeling !
Patagonia, Argentina 

BREATHING

This morning, I decide to close my eyes and pick up one book from my library.

I grabbed:

“Meditate - Day after day » by Christophe André

Then I opened a page and the chapter said 

‘Breathing’.

My thoughts started to unroll . . .

Breathing …

Breathing sets the tempo of our body. 

Of our thoughts. 

Each of our organs has its own rhythm, its own way to work and they all are linked. 

Breathing is one of those links.

When you are stressed, your breathing changes instantly. 

It becomes faster, shallow and sits in your upper chest

Our breath, interior invisible wind, never stops moving.

No life without it. It connects our inside to the outside world.

Breathing is a powerful way to be in the present moment. Connecting to it, feeling it and following it.

Breathing is a precious moment to nestle into the rhythm of your being. 

Not before, not after. Now and where you are in that instant.

Working on one’s breath is, for a moment at least, getting rid of some pain, 

slowing down one’s pace too often intense.

I suggest that several times a day, you follow your breath, imagine that it nourishes your body; 

become aware of its own pace; of its journey in your body. 

'Play' with it, accelerate it, slow it down.

Gradually, it will become easier to make it just a little quieter, a little slower.

If your breathing is centered at the top of your chest, 

consciously move it down toward your lower abdomen.

That's where its natural nest is.

A few minutes a day, no more default breathing. 

Conscious breathing instead.

It is a nice present. 

For you and those around you.

Have a great day !

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Time ?

Hi all !

One experience to share with you today.

Just before a coaching this morning, I thought that I ( and the client) would benefit if I did a meditation. 

I felt a bit annoyed as I did not have much time for it.

I still decided to do it, thinking that a few minutes would be better than nothing.

I sat down and began. My watch told me I had about 7 mn.

I could be with my breathing very easily. 

I opened my eyes after what I felt had been 2 or 3 mn. Just to see that 10 mn had past.

That’s our subjective sense of time:

You may wonder if you have time;

You lmau say yes to it ! 

As you always have more time that what you think.

And time may offer you some extras ;o)

Some of you know my very personal sense of time:

First, time reference has very few meaning for me  (I do not feel / know when it is morning, afternoon … do not try to understand, you may end frustrated ;) 

even though, like many of us, my brain works like a very precise alarm clock when I need it to 

+ I believe (as I experienced it) that there are ‘moments’ when past, present and future naturally join to create a space with no time references existing.

Time is a fascinating trick !

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Why meditation and how to give it a start

Why and how to meditate ?

To stop doing, moving, being agitated

Both mentally and physically

If you are just beginning to meditate, or not doing it regularly, you will probably find yourself in a state of lack of that constant activity of ours.

Do not think that meditation cannot be for you. 

Meditation is a lifelong learning;

like probably your work can be. It does not come naturally and it is not a gift. 

Like anything, some people will find it easier than others.

No need either to become a Buddhist monk to have the ‘right’ to meditate and get benefits from it.

What could the very first step be like ?

Remaining motionless and silent; time for your thoughts and your body to calm down and you start feeling what is happening in you.

When you want to get what is happening, to reach that state of mindfulness, 

then you start again the reasoning process that can only lead you a little bit further away from the access of your internal mental state.

You get used to this different state of mind, directly linked to your inner self, mind and body, 

differently connected to your environment.

Meditation is for everyone.

Those who mainly work via their analytical brain, those who never stop will probably benefit more from it. 

And may also find less easy to accept that different way to be.

Meditation does not come in opposition to the experience of intellectual reflection.

Both are rich. They come to be essential and complementary.

When will you decide to give it a go ? !

Do contact me if you have any question !

Draw yourself a beautiful day !

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? 

Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! 

And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family !

 The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !

building self confidence

Here is what our school morning run inspired us this morning:

- Maman, when I play tennis, I can catch balls that are impossible to catch

- wow ! How do you do that ?!

- my arm gets longer. I don't know how it can happen ? !

- Well, when you do yoga or stretching, you get longer. Actually you go to your normal size. It’s because you were contracted, kinda shrinked. We all do that without realizing it.

And also because you think it is possible, which makes it be possible

- I usually think all is possible !

- Why should it not be ?

- Well, I am not sure about the super powers !

- Why not ?!

- ermmmm . . .

And when I think we only use 10% of our brain possibilities ...!!!

- Maybe that s where the super powers are ?!

- Oh yes ! Oh that’s exciting !

- Oh yeah !

Then, we arrive at school

- Have fun my love !

And off he runs

I dare to share that little chat I had with my boy with you, as I strongly believe that all of us, children and adults need to be regularly fed with positive attitudes, thoughts . . . without imposing ours on the other.

And one day, maybe a little inner voice will do that job;

It is about simply triggering reflections coming from the individual world, while opening big the door of unlimited thoughts.

How beautiful !

I do believe that when we do that with the children, we give them a good tool to develop; don’t you think ?

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Differences . . .

What do our body functions detect ?

What does our soul, our reasoning, our emotions detect ?

Differences.

Differences from other ways to function:

What / who am I ? I am different. I do not fit in. 

This is painful.

If there were no comparison, no judgment, no thought-boxes, there were no painful differences

Differences from what was before :

I had . . . / I was . . . and now; I do not have, I am not anymore.

This applies when there is a sense of loss.

Some attitudes, some thoughts, some angles do help.

Getting rid of the DENIAL element which leads to STOP. FREEZE.

At everyone’s time and pace as denial is a self-protection construction.

If you want to feel better,

Face it. 

Act – Get organized.

Many examples pop in my head that may be resumed in:

Change of daily activity

Like:

Retirement from work. 

Being made redundant

Coming from work to full time parenting

Coming from little kids to ‘sudden’ (for you) teenagers

The message, from the society, from the family cell … is:

Thanks ! (when there is ) we don’t need you anymore !

OUCH ! That hurt

And you know what ?

You can make something out of it, without hurting yourself or others.

Take some time for yourself – Yes, I know, that is a point where I usually get the answer :

- But I do not have time !

Good! You do not have time. 

Or you do not make time.

I know, you hate me for this one.

Doesn’t matter. I’ll keep repeating. As that’s the key to a big door to new possibilities

So, make time for yourself and get organised. 

Before the big change hits you.

Let’s not forget that differences may be highly positive as well

Even in the positive felt change, there is an in between zone that might contain elements of anxiety. That is positive stress.

The – that hurt you now are an open window to see what can be changed to reach a more congruent situation.

It is up to you

Make yourself a lovely day !

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agression as an answer to suffering

In an interview this morning, someone who has been expatriating for about 10 years and moving a lot in their home country told me:

- At the beginning when you arrive in the new country and you know nobody and all is new,

you are so judgemental ! 

You think you are above all those people, that you are so much better than them. 

You criticise everything: Their religion, their accent, their habbits,.. everything !

I did that because I was angry. 

And then I would never be happy. I could not fit in.

And when you fit in, it is so much better !

_______________________________________________________

Thank you so much for sharing that with me.

This is a common reaction during one phase in the process of adaptation.

This is when you feel in danger. 

Unknown is everywhere. 

You feel nobody and nothing can save you. 

You are scared : you feel you have lost your purpose.

In order to secure yourself and stay psychologically alive, you need to be certain of who you are.

That your beliefs, your habbits, your accent ... are worth it, are the truth, that they are so much better than those of the people around you who you do not know, who are so unfamiliar.

Step by step, the process of acculturation is enriching you naturally and you will open up to the differences. 

Hopefully . 

And then you can fit in instead of only feeling agression and throwing it back.

This is when you found yourself again, at least, part of it.

Ready to accept bits and pieces to your self.

Ringing a bell ?

Emoticon smile

Make that day now good for you !

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !