Repatriation

Scarry or tempting ?

One I had to get out of my system for a while 

;o)

« Repatriation ? The worst. »

Shared one lady to me one day.

I am a life coach, working with expatriates / repatriates for 7 years now, with some academic knowledge about migration.

Here are below a few sentences people shared while working with me. 

You probably will feel you could have said one or several of those !

“I am back home for one year now and I do not fit with all those people who have never moved from their home !”

“I had Post Traumatic Stress  Symptom Disorder for 3 months after I was back home.”

“My family does not work the same way as families in my country, so it is very hard to fit in for all of us.”

“I became a very different person while expatriating.”

“The first weeks back home were horrible.”

“I felt like disconnected from my old friends”

Etc … etc … etc … this could go endlessly !

I began to feel, more or less consciously, the issues of repatriating when my own family did. I was then a child and never even had the conscious we were expatriates. So repatriates …. Even less ! 

We were just moving. We were together, and this was all fine to me then.

It took me years to understand why my home (internal family daily organisation), 

my house (interior decoration), 

my family dynamics (conversation, references, very strong bond between us …) were so different from those of my friends at school. 

I have to add that I loved those differences ! 

That was very positive to me ! 

I felt special and I liked it; by the way, isn’t that a very specific expat feeling ? !

And it took me years to understand as well the dysfunctions related to the expat. / repat. history of my family.

Then I chose to work with migrants while I was a social worker / now as a life coach.

One thing is for sure:

When you migrate, the notion of return / repatriation comes in the game at the same time. 

Whether actually you repatriate … or not.

This, because the very first psychological, cultural …. bath of your home family, your home country represent your roots and your first life ‘trampoline’ you jumped from.

You cannot avoid that.

This is the migrant fate. 

The return is always there. Fantasy or reality. You cannot do without. 

So, better facing it. In its reality or in your dreams; or it may well lead you to pretty uncomfortable places. Or not. Who can know in advance ?

I am not yet a fortune teller ;o)

Repatriation or reverse culture shock; 

What is happening ?

First of all; Do not believe that you WILL struggle going back home ! 

Struggling, for all of us depends on our personality. 

And even the most cheerful people do struggle and have ups and downs. 

Some old psychological fractures can be reactivated.

It also depends on which life page we are at. What you have to face at that moment.

What does the return represents; is it wanted or not ?

If it is synonymous of “Yeah ! Great ! I am so happy to go back home! “ 

Because finally, I will be closer to my family / my old friends 

Because, finally I will get back that job I was longing to have ! 

…

Or it may be synonymous of “ Oh Sprountz no ! “

Because you were so happy in this host country, so many fab friends / activities

Because you do not want to face your family /old friends

Because your country will put you in a place of less freedom

…

I do not think it is possible to know in advance for sure. Though there are red lights to be aware of.

Be honest with the way you feel when thinking about your repatriation and the red warning lights will show naturally if there are. 

That is the very first step to get this ok.

The, seek help if needed.

Repatriates never get back to what they knew before leaving. This is impossible. Life is about change. 

You have changed, People back home have changed. Be real. You all have moved on.

You will not find back your old habits. They do not exist anymore. You will need to create new ones.

You may be disappointed to realise that actually people are not mad curious about what you have experienced here and there in the world.

They may show they are dead bored after 10 mn you excitedly talk about that beautiful place you have been to.

This was not their life. It is yours.

They are happy (or not) with their life, exactly the way you are with yours (or not)

People back home do not need to connect with you. Their life is already oeganised.

All parties will need time to (re)connect and truly feel each has a genuine interest in the other ‘s life. And this goes both ways.

That leads me to a feeling that an expatriate shared with me one day. I found it extremely interesting as so rarely openly expressed and I am sharing it with you today as I think it plays a fair part in the expatriates relation with non-expatriates, and more specifically in the repatriation scenarri.

This lady said that too many expatriates feel they know more than people who do not expatriate. They do judge and place themselves above.

And there may be a jealousy from the non-expatriates when thinking about all the travels the life the expat has done.

Both equations may blur in a very negative way the inter relation between people.

Check where you are with this.

I dislike advice so much !

I prefer listening to what people who have been through something say about it and then, maybe one , two or more or none may be useful to you.

Here is what I heard that I feel is interesting, to which I added my own views:

Approach your repatriation the same way you approach expatriation: 

Be open

Be flexible

Start again and again. Do not give up

Look for the positives. There are !

Be proactive and NOT hyper active; One very good friend instead of 50 / one self-esteem-boosting activity better than 50 boring-ish

Go out, get away from this house if not yet a home

Stop judging; this is your frustration that negatively finds a way out of your system.

And maybe one point that belong the prevention department, so probably the most important one: 

Do not cut yourself from home. 

One way or the other, do not deny your roots. 

This would mean denying part of yourself. 

Not beneficial to you. 

Whatever the relation you have with home – location and people – that are part of you.

If you keep t:he connection at the level you chose to have, it will feel less of a big – huge ? – adjustment.

This is true for adults and children.

The challenges always lie in the difference.

If you reduce the difference by keeping in touch with home, it will end feel smoother to be back.

And if you never go back you may well benefit from it by feeling a stronger inner-peace, guilt-free.

Hope this helps, one way or the other !

Keep sending me your thoughts

here on Coaching Pia FB page or at piacoach@gmail.com

Merci ! !

Have a great day !

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !

Differences . . .

What do our body functions detect ?

What does our soul, our reasoning, our emotions detect ?

Differences.

Differences from other ways to function:

What / who am I ? I am different. I do not fit in. 

This is painful.

If there were no comparison, no judgment, no thought-boxes, there were no painful differences

Differences from what was before :

I had . . . / I was . . . and now; I do not have, I am not anymore.

This applies when there is a sense of loss.

Some attitudes, some thoughts, some angles do help.

Getting rid of the DENIAL element which leads to STOP. FREEZE.

At everyone’s time and pace as denial is a self-protection construction.

If you want to feel better,

Face it. 

Act – Get organized.

Many examples pop in my head that may be resumed in:

Change of daily activity

Like:

Retirement from work. 

Being made redundant

Coming from work to full time parenting

Coming from little kids to ‘sudden’ (for you) teenagers

The message, from the society, from the family cell … is:

Thanks ! (when there is ) we don’t need you anymore !

OUCH ! That hurt

And you know what ?

You can make something out of it, without hurting yourself or others.

Take some time for yourself – Yes, I know, that is a point where I usually get the answer :

- But I do not have time !

Good! You do not have time. 

Or you do not make time.

I know, you hate me for this one.

Doesn’t matter. I’ll keep repeating. As that’s the key to a big door to new possibilities

So, make time for yourself and get organised. 

Before the big change hits you.

Let’s not forget that differences may be highly positive as well

Even in the positive felt change, there is an in between zone that might contain elements of anxiety. That is positive stress.

The – that hurt you now are an open window to see what can be changed to reach a more congruent situation.

It is up to you

Make yourself a lovely day !

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !

Fear

Brasilian beauty

On the 26th of March, I posted an article called

‘’What happens when you live abroad ?’

(here is the link to it:

http://piacoaching.blogspot.com.br/2013/03/here-is-below-article-i-find.html)

The notion of fear is obvious when migrating. 

It goes with a move. It changes with the time. 

Changes targets, changes its amplitude

Fear creates a myriad of other negative states that are hitting yourself and the others: 

aggression, jealousy-desires, hate, anger-rage, moral collapse-tears.

May THE question to ask be:

What do I fear to lose about / within myself ?

And now can start a thoughtful thought

Which should develop with a non-judgmental approach of yourself ?

It is so much better !

All the best is with you !

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 Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !

 Hey Ho ! Let's share ! Since the begining I have though this blog as to be an exchange and I thank you for that and for all your reactions that allow to make it richer for everybody;Your ideas, your thoughts, your interrogations that we can develop here are more than welcome !

Hey, hey ho ! If you want to use one of my articles or one of my photos you can, but please let me know before !

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Being expatriate through your partner's work and looking for a job

Ilha Fiscal, Brazil

A grieving process

Letting go with your previous references, your previous professional reality and being flexible thanks to your adaptability and, most important, discovering what you want !

What is it that you want ?

This is the most important ! Are you happy being where you are or is it tough ? You want to work ? Then do organize time slots in your agenda only for seriously working on it. You want to work ? Fine, but how ? And what exactly is it that you want to do ? What would you love doing ? Can you recall a previous professional activity, a hobby, an old dream…. ?
It is time to explore ! What flexibility do you need: amount of working time, schedules , depending on you, on your family ? Do you want to be an employee or work freelance ? Etc. …Etc…

These are a few starting points.

On the practical side of things, what is the reality you have to face: the legal reality of your host country and the local network ?

Look for information and get to know your legal possibilities, depending on your visa, sometimes your nationality and the local work market.
Contact your national buddies as well as the locals.

Those who already work can tell you what to avoid, specific difficulties and what to look for.
Ponder. What is impossible for someone may be possible for someone else.

You will gain time and efficiency, so energy and motivation: that will help you tremendously.

Migrants (except when having a work contract in the pocket before the migration) will surely get a job with a position and a salary lower than what the had at home.

Once more, your adaptability will make a difference: are you ready to begin with a bias you would never have accepted before : volunteering, much lower salary, a boss who knows less than you do … ?

How serious is your commitment ?

It may be the right time to seek professional help and benefit from a skill assessment, look for a coach. Your motivation and your commitment will be maintained at a higher level; your self-confidence boosted, that you may need as well.

In two words: flexibility and seriousness

Do not miss that opportunity to draw your professional path again, you will wonderfully benefit from it personally, socially and your family will as well.

I wish you a superb journey !

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 Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! ! 

 Hey Ho ! Let's share ! Since the begining I have though this blog as to be an exchange and I thank you for that and for all your reactions that allow to make it richer for everybody;Your ideas, your thoughts, your interrogations that we can develop here are more than welcome !  

Hey, hey ho ! If you want to use one of my articles or one of my photos you can, but please let me know before !

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There is always a way

 

Even in the Brazilian jungle when local people tell you they don't know where to go,

There is always a way ! ! !

I have joined  Z - - - - lessons. A friend, let’s call her Astrid, is organizing them in Rio. Z -- - - is not a unique concept and moneywise, it is very successful. Astrid was explaining to the participants how

Z - - - - was created. Its creator, who is a dancer and a choreographer, came one day to a dance lesson having forgotten his professional MP3. He still had to lead the session as the participants were expecting it. He had with him his personal MP3 filled with Latin-American titles. He decided to play them and create aerobics and South American dance steps. His students loved that and Z - - - - was born. Today Z - - - - has spread throughout the world very successfully.

The starting point of this lucrative business has been a moment when the frame and content of what was expected had been missing and had left a person without pre written scenario. Blankness. This is a situation where you feel you have nothing you can hold on to. Rings a bell ?

Panic and fear may invite themselves quickly. And then ? What can happen ? Some of us will probably feel overwhelmed and melt with a feeling of incapacity, uselessness. They may stay in that state.

What will follow won’t be the best and may well generate a feeling of low self-esteem :

negative anchoring.

Those of us who have the reaction of leaving behind that overwhelming fear and use the resources they have with / in them at that moment, can explore new and constructive options. They will build a positive and helpful experience.

In such a situation either social or professional, the point is about turning what looks like a disaster into a new opening and sometimes a bigger success.

What is the key ? Chance or hazard ? I do not believe much in those ideas.

Let’s go back to the Z- - - - creator. What had he to use ? His dancing and teaching skills and his personal MP3. That was the key of his success. He moved on from the state of fear that freezes everything. He tried.

In such a situation, the major points are:

Recognizing our state of mind: it is OK to feel that fear. Doing so, you can keep a very much needed positive energy level and allow your brain to stay in action and be creative in regard of resources to assess and new options to explore.

Abandoning the belief that tells you that you are lost and there is nothing you can do. If you accept to let go of that belief, you create the space to step back and look for the resources you have:

what, who, when, where, how ?

Can you recall a situation where you felt totally stuck ?

What happened ?

What resources could you have made use of then ?

The truth is that any of us can always make it.

 

Wishing you a fabulous day !

 



 

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Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family !

The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !

Hey Ho ! Let's share ! Since the begining I have though this blog as to be an exchange and I thank you for that and for all your reactions that allow to make it richer for everybody;Your ideas, your thoughts, your interrogations that we can develop here are more than welcome !

Hey, hey ho ! If you want to use one of my articles or one of my photos you can, but please let me know before !

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Is there a magical recipe ?

jungle's gift !

Is there a recipe for settling quickly in expatriation ?

That would be sooo reassuring, wouldn’t ? !

What do the surveys / researches tell us about what can help to settle in a new environment?

You can read about stages to go through here: http://piacoaching.blogspot.com.br/2012/01/xpatriates-wednesday-adapting-to-new.html

Then, you can also read about different parameters that can help your settlement: http://piacoaching.blogspot.com.br/2011/08/expatriates-wednesday-do-you-have.html

I do like surveys and researches; and I do like checking by myself, feeling by myself, because something which is true for someone may not be for someone else. This week, I met a lady who lives like me in Rio de Janeiro. Let’s call her Elisabeth, not her real name of course

From the first day I met her, she looked always happy, cheerful, untouched by the downsides of early times of expatriation; do I dare to add that it’s a performance, particularly in Rio where the practical sides of a settlement can drive us mad sometimes. Let’s not be too naive either, Elisabeth, if she feels sad is like all of us, she probably tends to let go of her feelings when she is by herself or with people very close to her.

So I asked her if we could meet, for me to try to get what seems to make her kinda flying above the worries linked with the first months of expatriation. Very kindly she was totally up for it. By the way, thank you ‘Elisabeth’ !

So, we had a drink along the beach in Ipanema and talked. Very nice moment. Here are some details related to Elisabeth’s situation:

It is a first expatriation for her and her family. Back home, they were living in the same house than Mr’s parents. Elisabeth was not working at home and isn’t working here either. When she arrived in Rio, her husband had already chosen their accommodation and the apartment was already furnished. Her husband was working and she stayed about one month with the children in her new environment before school began. There are 2 pre teenagers in the family that spoke just a few words of English when they arrived here. They were enrolled in an English speaking school. They chose their accommodation between where Elisabeth’s husband is working and the school.

If I follow researches results; here is what could have been predicted:

Theoretical “positive points” for her adaptation:

ü  Elisabeth was not working and won’t be working: no change for her

ü  Accommodation was ready to live in

ü  Furniture was there

Theoretical “negative points” for adaptation:

ü  The two children were not speaking the language they will have to face  every day at school, nor the local language

ü  She was by herself and isolated with the children for one month when she arrived

ü  She never had language lessons offered by her husband’s company. Though I am not sure at all this is a negative point ?

ü  The family wasn’t helped to find the accommodation, same; is this negative ?

ü  The family didn’t have a first journey paid to come and see the hosting country

Obviously an individual situation is always far more complex that this and there are many points, positive and negative that aren’t showing here; they would have to be pondered by Elisabeth to take their real weigh in the equation. Plus maybe Elisabeth hasn’t shared everything with me, either because she preferred not to or because she didn’t remember some of them at the moment we were talking; as well as I may have forgotten some things as well.

What counterbalances the Theoretical negative points in Elisabeth’s situation:

Ø  Her children adapted fast, one faster than the other, but she never felt them being very low spirited, even from the very beginning when they didn’t know anybody and weren’t speaking English. That was important to her. She told me that what she was most worried about what her children integration: this is a very common worry among women;

Ø  Elisabeth is curious. She wants to know the new cultural environment which is offered to her.

Ø  She is proactive: she uses local means to go out and discover

Ø  She feels her life here is far richer than the one she had back home, the international environment is something she really enjoys.

Ø  Once her social network began to be built, she felt very happy because no more isolated. She found friends via the school

Ø  The children built friendships rapidly

Ø  Elisabeth had an accommodation when she arrived

Ø  Yes, she didn’t have help for language lessons, that put the responsibility on her (her husband?) to find a solution. I think that being partly responsible for you gives a much stronger positive self-feeling than being too much assisted. Having to search, move … makes you feel alive and you can’t complain about others being the reason for your sad situation.

Elisabeth doesn’t want to go back home, or at least not at the same place;

I am convinced that the very first parameter that helped Elisabeth in succeeding in her adaptation fast in a quite complex country like Brazil can be, is the fact that her new Brazilian life offered her the possibility to develop individual possibilities, maybe unknown to her before, that her life back home had not offered her.

Her capacity to be proactive is obviously a very important factor as well

As another lady shared with me, ‘We don’t have our family in expatriation, our friends are our family.’

So, there are actions to be done, attitudes that help and no such thing like one magical recipe! 

What do you think ?

Have a beautiful day !

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Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !

Hey Ho ! Let's share ! Since the begining I have though this blog as to be an exchange and I thank you for that and for all your reactions that allow to make it richer for everybody;Your ideas, your thoughts, your interrogations that we can develop here are more than welcome ! 

Hey, hey ho ! If you want to use one of my articles or one of my photos you can, but please let me know before !

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