Repatriation

Scarry or tempting ?

One I had to get out of my system for a while 

;o)

« Repatriation ? The worst. »

Shared one lady to me one day.

I am a life coach, working with expatriates / repatriates for 7 years now, with some academic knowledge about migration.

Here are below a few sentences people shared while working with me. 

You probably will feel you could have said one or several of those !

“I am back home for one year now and I do not fit with all those people who have never moved from their home !”

“I had Post Traumatic Stress  Symptom Disorder for 3 months after I was back home.”

“My family does not work the same way as families in my country, so it is very hard to fit in for all of us.”

“I became a very different person while expatriating.”

“The first weeks back home were horrible.”

“I felt like disconnected from my old friends”

Etc … etc … etc … this could go endlessly !

I began to feel, more or less consciously, the issues of repatriating when my own family did. I was then a child and never even had the conscious we were expatriates. So repatriates …. Even less ! 

We were just moving. We were together, and this was all fine to me then.

It took me years to understand why my home (internal family daily organisation), 

my house (interior decoration), 

my family dynamics (conversation, references, very strong bond between us …) were so different from those of my friends at school. 

I have to add that I loved those differences ! 

That was very positive to me ! 

I felt special and I liked it; by the way, isn’t that a very specific expat feeling ? !

And it took me years to understand as well the dysfunctions related to the expat. / repat. history of my family.

Then I chose to work with migrants while I was a social worker / now as a life coach.

One thing is for sure:

When you migrate, the notion of return / repatriation comes in the game at the same time. 

Whether actually you repatriate … or not.

This, because the very first psychological, cultural …. bath of your home family, your home country represent your roots and your first life ‘trampoline’ you jumped from.

You cannot avoid that.

This is the migrant fate. 

The return is always there. Fantasy or reality. You cannot do without. 

So, better facing it. In its reality or in your dreams; or it may well lead you to pretty uncomfortable places. Or not. Who can know in advance ?

I am not yet a fortune teller ;o)

Repatriation or reverse culture shock; 

What is happening ?

First of all; Do not believe that you WILL struggle going back home ! 

Struggling, for all of us depends on our personality. 

And even the most cheerful people do struggle and have ups and downs. 

Some old psychological fractures can be reactivated.

It also depends on which life page we are at. What you have to face at that moment.

What does the return represents; is it wanted or not ?

If it is synonymous of “Yeah ! Great ! I am so happy to go back home! “ 

Because finally, I will be closer to my family / my old friends 

Because, finally I will get back that job I was longing to have ! 

…

Or it may be synonymous of “ Oh Sprountz no ! “

Because you were so happy in this host country, so many fab friends / activities

Because you do not want to face your family /old friends

Because your country will put you in a place of less freedom

…

I do not think it is possible to know in advance for sure. Though there are red lights to be aware of.

Be honest with the way you feel when thinking about your repatriation and the red warning lights will show naturally if there are. 

That is the very first step to get this ok.

The, seek help if needed.

Repatriates never get back to what they knew before leaving. This is impossible. Life is about change. 

You have changed, People back home have changed. Be real. You all have moved on.

You will not find back your old habits. They do not exist anymore. You will need to create new ones.

You may be disappointed to realise that actually people are not mad curious about what you have experienced here and there in the world.

They may show they are dead bored after 10 mn you excitedly talk about that beautiful place you have been to.

This was not their life. It is yours.

They are happy (or not) with their life, exactly the way you are with yours (or not)

People back home do not need to connect with you. Their life is already oeganised.

All parties will need time to (re)connect and truly feel each has a genuine interest in the other ‘s life. And this goes both ways.

That leads me to a feeling that an expatriate shared with me one day. I found it extremely interesting as so rarely openly expressed and I am sharing it with you today as I think it plays a fair part in the expatriates relation with non-expatriates, and more specifically in the repatriation scenarri.

This lady said that too many expatriates feel they know more than people who do not expatriate. They do judge and place themselves above.

And there may be a jealousy from the non-expatriates when thinking about all the travels the life the expat has done.

Both equations may blur in a very negative way the inter relation between people.

Check where you are with this.

I dislike advice so much !

I prefer listening to what people who have been through something say about it and then, maybe one , two or more or none may be useful to you.

Here is what I heard that I feel is interesting, to which I added my own views:

Approach your repatriation the same way you approach expatriation: 

Be open

Be flexible

Start again and again. Do not give up

Look for the positives. There are !

Be proactive and NOT hyper active; One very good friend instead of 50 / one self-esteem-boosting activity better than 50 boring-ish

Go out, get away from this house if not yet a home

Stop judging; this is your frustration that negatively finds a way out of your system.

And maybe one point that belong the prevention department, so probably the most important one: 

Do not cut yourself from home. 

One way or the other, do not deny your roots. 

This would mean denying part of yourself. 

Not beneficial to you. 

Whatever the relation you have with home – location and people – that are part of you.

If you keep t:he connection at the level you chose to have, it will feel less of a big – huge ? – adjustment.

This is true for adults and children.

The challenges always lie in the difference.

If you reduce the difference by keeping in touch with home, it will end feel smoother to be back.

And if you never go back you may well benefit from it by feeling a stronger inner-peace, guilt-free.

Hope this helps, one way or the other !

Keep sending me your thoughts

here on Coaching Pia FB page or at piacoach@gmail.com

Merci ! !

Have a great day !

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Expat - family - friendship

Lyon, France

This article follows one where I was writing about the fact that being close family does not mean close in opinions, personality, values . . .

That can be particularly hard to handle, with many consequences on one’s life as it goes against what we are taught to believe. 

Families represent the first roots, those from which we grow and colour our future by acceptance or rejection.

Those with which we have to decide the distance we want to keep with.

Far ? Close ?

Families are a social and a political cement as well.

How to manage the equation between:

Respect- Love – Spectrum for the freedom to be different – Guilt – Anger . . .

All that made me bounce on the very specific situation of the expatriates.

Most expatriates say their friends are family.

They consider them as hugely important in their life. Sometimes more than their original family.

Friends give a sense of belonging to a community.

Friends cut the social isolation. Very often, work is absent for one person in the expat couple so social links cannot come from the ‘work department’

Between friends, there is no common history. There is no past relation. The board is blank when meeting the first time.

No ‘psychological debts’ to adjust to. Those can be anchored in several generations.

One can even invent themselves differently and ‘pretend’. Nobody will know.

No strings. Freedom to be.

No need to stay in touch forever. Which gives more freedom to as there is a choice.

Expatriation is like a ride in a taxi. You get in the new location, you chose to draw new relationships, activities, roles. . . like you would chat with the taxi driver and then you can get out of it. You are gone and keep what you chose to keep from it; till the next one (back home or different location).

The difference is in the choice.

You do not chose your family and all its history you are part of.

You can chose your friends.

Nothing new there.

Many writers have created stories around this.

One that pop into my mind instantly is the “Familles, je vous hais ! “ “Families, I hate you !” from André Gide ( 22/11/1869-19/02/1951 – French author and winner of the the Nobel prize in literature in 1947)

I believe that the expatriation frame makes this even more important.

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when teenangers do not adapt to expatriation- testimony

Staircase

Here is, as promised, the testimony of A. (not her real name), a mother whose teenager did not adapt well in expatriation.

A has agreed to describe the family situation and I do thank her for that. 

It will help others.

I regularly protest against the commonly accepted idea that children adapt easily and quickly to expatriation.

We always need to be careful to what seems irrefutable to us. That may change.

Sorry to repeat myself: most of the time, children do not have the choice but to expatriate. 

Some are ok, some are not, some feel in between. 

Some adapt well, some adapt less easily.

This is when my work starts.

You cannot grasp the reasons of why it isn’t going ok until you take time to discuss it with the children and their parents.

Different inter-connected parameters must be taken into consideration. 

Each parameter has its own importance, depending on the person’s story and personality.

Parameters can be:

The age of the child

Their sense of loyalty towards their parents

Their relationship with people / the environment they knew before the move (friendship; love; social and cultural commitment . . . )

Their personality: they may feel deeply in need of stability

Feeling stuck: no opportunity to express their own will about the move

An accumulation of moves that is not bearable to them anymore

Reasons are endless and the understanding of the situation can only be unique.

There are common causes and a unique way to experience and go through them.

Let’s go back to A’s family situation.

They have been expatriating for a few years. They currently live near Malaysia. 

Before accepting this assignment, the parents had assessed the situation and thought it would be an interesting experience for each and all of them. 

They aren’t dreamers and knew that there would be adaptations to deal with.

They thought:

There would be a great and large school: perfect opportunity for the children to build friendships. Reality has been different and their teenage girl did not adapt to school

No new language to deal with as English is commonly spoken; though their daily life has not been easier

The warm climate throughout the year would allow a lot of outdoor activities; it turned out that the heat and humidity made it difficult for them for such activities. The children were more than before, being stuck in the house and had developed difficult relationships.

A  and her husband had thought that many aspects of their new life would be a positive asset to all of them. This has proven to be wrong.

After a year, their teenage girl was unhappy. 

It was hard for her to adjust at school. 

As important exams approached for her, her parents were seriously determined to find a suitable solution.

They began to consider what they could modify. Their goal being that the new organisation would have to be as acceptable as possible for each of them.

Moving home ?

Change country ?

Abandon expatriate life ?

Change of employer ?

What could they change as parents ?  As a family ?

A solution came from expatriate friends who had gone through the same situation.

After a long time sharing with these friends, within the family, exploring all the options they could think of, the solution was given by their daughter herself. 

She was considering going to a boarding school, back in their home country, in Europe.

A told me that was a major step I their process of decision making. 

It has been uneasy at first for all of them to imagine being separated.

A says that the expatriates in their host country have very easily understood their choice since many of them are struggling to adapt.

Their family and friends back in Europe have greatly supported them and this also has been important to them.

The method of surviving the separation from her daughter for A is counting the days that separate their next reunion.

Modern means of communication via the internet are numerous and permit to daily hear and see the dear ones. This can lighten a little the weight of the physical daily separation.

In this family’s situation, the parents have maintained their parental roles as protectors, educators, loving and caring about the well-being of their child.

The parents-child relationship has changed but the basis remained the same despite being far from each other.

Everybody in the family seems satisfied so far with the decision taken. 

A  and her husband were able to quickly see the benefits for their daughter. 

She now has the social interactions she desperately needed.

It is essential for children to be connected with their parents in a constructive way

This family is not the only one facing that complex situation where the outcome can be difficult to consider.

Talking, sharing is an essential step that helps realise that you are not alone.

Help from family and friends are big.

You may want to choose the persons you are talking to. 

You won’t need a tailored solution, nor judgmental approaches.

There are always many options that are possible. 

The one you will chose has to be congruent 

with your values, your beliefs and your life reality.

A  and her husband were open to listen to their daughter’s opinion whilst carrying on their shoulders the weight of their decision.

They found a balance with the interest of each of them: adults and children.

You probably realise that 

if one child is feeling lost, 

another will be blooming in the same situation.

They have kept a positive and strong relationship with their daughter and have very regular contacts with her.

When one choice is made at a point, it needs to be assessed in regards with the new reality it has created as the family will go through a new balance.

And then, the choice made is considered as good enough to be maintained or decision is made to modify it either partially or totally.

Nothing has to be forever.

And that is fine.

Here are A’s words, touching and beautiful

“If anything, 

we are closer as a family than ever as we appreciate each other more”

Thank you again A.

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Life coaching work with non employed exatriates

Rio

This article discusses the professional work of support that may be necessary for non-employees expatriate spouses

I chose to clarify this aspect of my work, rather than the problems of the expatriate who works, or that of the children: these three facets of expatriation are interdependent.

The population of non-employed expatriate spouses is overwhelmingly female majority.

On average, these women, before embarking on the adventure of expatriation, have an equal or greater qualification to four years of post-baccalaureate studies and have acquired a few years of professional activity.

It is a changing population that follows, with delay, the evolution of the society of their country of origin.

We see increasing numbers of men, single parents and gay couples.

We are at a turning societal point and companies that expatriate their employees would benefit from taking into account that population in a different way.

My first approach to these women, expatriated via their husband’s company, happened 15 years ago.

I was then expatriated in England myself, though not with the administrative package of a work. I was surprised by the aggressiveness and the systematic critical attitude of the host society by some of those ladies.

These were women who seemed to have in their life more than others could dream of: a family, health, work, social protection, affluence, travelling around the world.

But where did this chronic dissatisfaction came from then ?

Expatriation provokes aspects that develop depending of everyone's life story.

Expatriation does not create anything, but brings out what is psychologically ready to be.

There is the excitement of the discovery, the novelty, overcoming challenges that are part of the positive food which all life need.

And the hidden face of expatriation: the disorientation and loss of meaning, the collapse of ME replaced by PERSONA or social mask.

The facades offered both to self and others can vary: social hyperactivity or social isolation.

The consequences are as varied as what humans can create: depression, alcohol, aggression, melancholy ... with impacts on the individual, the spouse and children if any.

My assumption is that the source of these issues occurs in connection with two realities rooted in any history of migration, and also implies the non-employed expatriate spouse:

• The denial of the social position of the individual. Without this recognition, how to turn the experience into a constructive state ? It seems impossible to me.

This denial is well rooted and is found in all the circles that define the person: herself, her couple, her nuclear and extended family, employers and society.

Hence the difficulty of reaching this population and initiating a restoration work.

• The difference resulting from the confrontation between expectations and reality. And to understand the difficulties of an individual, one must consider all together the individual, family and cultural roles of the society of origin and those of the host society plus the respective expectations of all these roles.

Each individual may have a different response when confronted with the society of the host country.

There may be a gap for the woman, between the social reality she lives in expatriation, and representations of her role in the society of origin.

How expressing one’s discomfort when you're supposed to live a privileged life ?

Working in these times of economic crisis, having an administrative status with financial benefits, a better salary, travelling to dream destinations. . .

How to perceive this malaise ?

By private exchanges, active listening, witnessing the behavior of the person, their spouse or children.

Because the family as a group and everyone are being affected .

What is the malaise ? What is the associated need ?

The opposite of the common denial:

Recognition

It is almost never expressed by the verb; or if so, most often under the seal of confidence authorized by the professional frame.

The words shared must be protected as the expatriate population has in common with that of a small town where many private facts are known quickly

Then with the words, the heart is liberated and feelings are expressed, finally.

What do I build for myself ? How do I develop and maintain a recognized activity that is only mine ?

The initial phase of work is to regain confidence lost due to the denial of the social position.

How to work this major aspect in terms of coaching ?

By a return to fundamentals:

• Work on individual values ​​: what makes me stand up ? What makes sense to me in my life, and not only through my husband, my parents, my friends, my children ...

• Making a parallel to what constitutes my life with what I have dreamed of in terms of ideal life.

• A development work to make emerge the elements of the personality felt as helpful ( I am proud of ..) and those experienced as disabling (I'm bad in ... )

How to recapture them, be proud of them and use them voluntarily and in a constructive way ?

This is the premise for a return to a state of self-love that leads gradually to expressing and therefore to a possible work on certain recurring issues.

When the phase of self- recognition has begun, aggression towards self or towards others, usually the spouse, falls and work can be developed not " against " but " with " oneself and others.

I always work with my clients, either in groups or individually with these three points that I consider as being major .

One feature of Rio de Janeiro, where I have been living for three and a half years, is this notion of difference between expectations and reality.

Rio appears as a heavenly city with a lot of representations: climate, samba, carnival, beaches, beautiful bodies ... how afford to complain to one’s relative, whether near or far ?

The accompanying work is to allow the person to reconnect with herself and her true emotions, to confront the inevitable stages of grief and come to make choices, whatever they are.

Sometimes the simple act of putting one’s frustration, suffers in words provokes a new self-frame.

In a word, find one’s freedom !

This work does not necessarily imply a heavy or long accompaniment to lead to a re-appropriation of a consistent life project.

Pia Granjon Lecerf works from his professional qualifications :

Social worker ( IFSY , Versailles,France ) ;

Master of Social Anthropology ( Sorbonne )

Life Coach (Newcastle , UK)

NLP, Reiki , EFT ;

And his personal journey : expatriating as a child, becoming an expatriate adult: spouse and parent of three children.

Article published in www.recursimo.com

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! 

Hey Ho ! Let's share ! Since the beginning I have though this blog as to be an exchange and I thank you for that and for all your reactions that allow to make it richer for everybody;Your ideas, your thoughts, your interrogations that we can develop here are more than welcome !