Gender representation and culture

   

Around a work meeting yesterday, the person I was with came up with this:
Native American recognise as many as 5 different genders
and one of the monotheisms recognises 6. 

I had no idea, and I am definitively not surprised about the Native American belief system; I am definitively more about the monotheism.
In this particular case, I could only find a factual description of those 6 types of individuals, nothing on how they were socially considered.
At least, there is a recognition of potential differences.

Native American, before Europeans arrived on their land, had
no set roles for men and women.

They considered: Female, Two Spirit female, Two Spirit male, Male and Transgendered.

The Two Spirit people were highly revered as
being able to understand the world with both genders eyes was considered as a gift from 'The Creator'. 

There was no difference in the tasks Female or Male had to do in the group. 

Their clothes were very similar, and

whatever they were capable of bringing to their community was considered as useful: This is the liberating idea.
How many genders are recognised in your own culture and religion ?
What are the representation of masculinity and femininity in your world ?
Where are you with this representation ?
Cultural and religious gender representation does assign social roles to one individual who might not always fit in.

I have not looked very deep into thist, though I felt it was an interesting conception to share with you, in term of accepting the other for who they are. 

This goes way further than gender and sexuality.

Looking at someone for who they deeply are simply means you also accept yourself for who you are and let go of non useful judgement.

Pia Granjon Lecerf

piacoach@gmail.com

+44(0)7.535.435.131

Clinical Hypnotgerapy & Coaching.
Worshop on womanhood
School project on Chronic stress.

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Let's expand discussion, views and reflection.

Metaphor

Pantanal, Brazil

As I was walking this morning in this English fresh, cold and sunny Monday, my brain got caught by the trillions of droplets in the grass that were shining like diamonds. 

It was absolutely beautiful. I could have stayed there, just staring at that vision.

Nonetheless my thoughts began jumping around.

I will be describing them with a metaphor around sport. 

Maybe those who do not practice have, one day watched a match and can relate to this as well.

When you play sport, and probably most sport if not all; you have to see and feel where your opponent is, in order to be able to physically place yourself properly.  Some players can even do that the fraction of the second before their adversary do, so they are ahead in the match.

The player keeps their own strengths, their put their personality in the game and adapts, takes into account the other player’s moves to be more efficient, whether they will attack or defend.

Just take a few second to visualize this. With Tennis, Boxing, Golf, Volley-ball, Soccer . . . See them moving, see how they react …

Now check this with relationship.

What could happen if you adopt the attitude to stay connected with who you are and place yourself where you will get the best outcome for yourself with what you have to deal with ?

Could you diminish the unwanted feelings that sometimes – often ? – come along : aggressivity, frustration,  anger, rage … ?

Would that help to switch them into assertiveness, calm, strength and peace ?

Wishing you a rocking Monday !

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Good relationships keep us happier and healthier

Perto da lagoa, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

Here is the partial transcript of the TED talk (link below), with my additions in italic.

Nowadays, when young adults are asked what is their dream goal, they usually answer they want to be rich and famous.

There is a Harvard study, which began 75 years ago, on 724 men divided in two groups. One group is composed of teenagers coming from Boston poorest neighborhood and the second group of wealthy young men who went to college. The study focused on knowing what make people happy. Every year, the men were asked about their work, home life, health … to go to brain scans … and finally, women were interviewed too (finally !). 60 of those men are still alive today and 200 children of those men are still being studied. Some men became upwardly mobile socially, some were sliding down in the social scale. One became president of the USA.

The lessons learned through this exceptionally long study is not about wealth or fame.

The clearest message is:

Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

3 points:

1/ Social connections to family and friends, to community are good for us; they participate to a longer and healthier life. Loneliness kills, the brain declines sooner, health is less good, life is shorter. 1 in 5 Americans report they are lonely.

“If more isolated than the person wants to be from others”: this is highly important to precise. Two persons will have different needs of level of social implication, of social contacts. What matters is the difference between the need the person has and what they are getting out of their life.

2/ You can be lonely in a crowd or in a marriage. It is not the number of friends you have or if you are in a committed relationship that matters. It is the quality that matters. Conflicts are really bad for your health.

I would add here, that recognizing and facing conflict is healthier than keeping your unhappiness / rage mute. You would ‘eat’ yourself from inside. Conflicts are part of life.

Bad marriage is probably worse than getting divorced. It would be interesting to define what ‘bad marriage is according to the person’s culture, sub-cultures and beliefs.

People who were the most satisfied in their relationship at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.

Physical pain is magnified by emotional pain

3/ A good relationship protects our body and our mind. Being in a securely, attached relationship in your 80ies makes your memories stay sharper and longer. When you feel you can count on the other one.

Those good relationships don’t have to be smooth all the time.

Relationships - are can be - messy and complicated; they are not always sexy or glamourous.

The happiest people in their retirement had actively worked to replace work mate with play mate.

So, how about you ? How about replacing screen time with people time ? Doing something new together ? Link to the TED Talk: http://blog.mindvalleyacademy.com/p... You can contact me via piacoach@gmail.com

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Your ideas, your thoughts, your interrogations that we can develop here are more than welcome !

Roots of your emotions

Walking in the Surrey hills

« Anytime you feel anger, towards something outside of yourself, question it, as being angry with a mirror does not make sense. »

Golden rule

Understanding this postulate can help you know yourself better.

Though, I would decorate this concept with different words, like, for example:

Each time a feeling is provoked by an event gushes forth an emotion in you; this emotion grows from pre-existing roots of your inner system (body & mind);

You react to what already exists in you more than to what you are confronted to at the time.

Why ?

Because this emotion is the fruit of a ‘event / feeling’ couple

Your experience originates fromthe factual and emotional memory of one of your event / emotion anterior couples.

Explanation:

You encounter Event 1 E1. You develop feelings and emotions F1

If you encounter now an event E2 that your memory links with E1 (because of similarities, same persons, context ..)
You then edit F1 and, frequently unconsciously, linked with E1.

F1 is your emotional root.
F2 (feeling linked with the new event) will most probably be similar to F1 (no such thing as 100% for human being comprehension)

This rolling logic is true, whether the event / feeling couples emanate from the agreeable well or from the traumatic well.

Conséquences ?

What you understand and you feel is issued from your highly personal grid of understanding of the world around you.

In other words, You get your environment more from your individual grid of understanding than from what you are confronted with.

One idea: To understand your today, you may question your yesterday.

Feeling angry towards this person who gets on your nerves is not useful, except for creating an explosion of aggressiveness – internal or external- that will affect negatively you and the other.

Much more interesting is to let the other where they are in their own life with no judgement – what’s the point ? –

You chose your own place with the distance you wish to have
and
asking yourself: Where on earth does that aggressiveness come from in me ?
What is it linked to ?
What can I understand from it ?

I am mentioning aggressiveness, it could be anxiety ….
Anyway

Look for Love or Fear
Always.

When Bryon Katie mentions that it does not make sense, I would not say so.

I believe there is always a reason. There is a sense to it.

This concept is one key to all therapy approach.

°*°* I am not here referring to persons confronted to physical or psychological violence who, plus what is described above, implement defense processes of another nature that bring complexity (and not complication) in the equation. °*°*

Happy thinking !

:o)

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Being connected . Love me, love me not . . .

                                                                         Brazil

If I say to you:

“You are connected”

What comes to your mind ?

What comes to your mind with no thinking ?

And what  comes to your mind after giving it some thoughts ?

In its positif aspects ?

And in its less positive aspects?

In its negative aspects ?

I am not talking about what you read about it or what your life partner, friends have to say about it. But what you do think and feel about it

What does those internet connections bring into your life ?

Daily, short, medium, long term ?

The +s ? the –s ?

How about taking some time to think about this ?

And I am going to be as annoying as those people who are carrying out an audit: what time re you spending on a screen ?

Personal and professionally wise ?

I can tell you that this is very interesting to objectively assess this time.

You can write this down, say for one day.

Then you can begin to perceive your virtual reality.

I know … virtual reality … what’s that ?!?

While navigating on the net; is there anything else you feel you don’t have time to do at the end of your day ?

If the answer is yes, it may be surprising to re assess this affirmation of not having time for X or Y.

I do believe that the negative aspects of it begin to interfere when their threshold is too high.

What is too high then ?

A threshold becomes too high when its negative consequences create blocages, avoidances, difficulties, discomforts … in your life.

We, as humans, have common needs – amount / quality of sleep, of social connections, of rest . ..

their threshold can vary for each individual.: some of us can need up to 9 hours of sleep per night when others can do with only 6.

Though, under 6 hrs per night, if regular, we all disfunction.

Possible impacts of high threshold

-          Preventing from other wanted or necessary activities

-          Augmenting social isolation

-          Decreasing sometimes not having rest time which may lead to aggressivity, impatience.

-          Operating mainly at a rhythm which is not our body’s rhythm. Power of concentration is modified, pace of thoughts is higher.

Addiction ? FYI, there are centers where people can go to be treated and cured from video games addiction.

How can you know if you are addicted to being connected ?

Ask yourself this question: can I function normally without it ?

Does my behaviour change ? even better; go real: Withdraw it from your life and see what happens in you.

Now, you know.

I suggest you try to stay some time ( you to define it) with no connection.

Check what is happening for you / in you. Nice ? Horrible ? Whare is your conclusion ?

I am not talking here about all the incredible positive aspects of being connected.

They are numerous. Again, you to know what they are for you.

PS: I am personally  addicted and find cutting from them sometimes give me time and space for so much more difference !

Some people have told me:

“I simple cannot stop”

And

“ Gosh, what a difference it made withdrawing them from my life for a week !”

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Testimony

London

Testimony on a coaching that lasted 4 sessions, each of about one hour each.

From the Netherlands - Via kype.

___________________________

This person was struggling after her life partner left her.

Here are a few words she shared with me at the end of her coaching, while she was assessing her work with me.

“I learned a lot about myself. 

It's ok to be selfish from time to time, and put yourself first. 

I'm learning how to do this without feeling guilty

I'm also learning I'm worth to be loved.

I'm a strong woman who can be proud of herself!

I'm relieved my love for X won't turn into hate. 

And that I will be able to give it a place in my life.

About the coaching itself, I liked the length of the assessments, and I liked the flexibility.

What I liked most is that you know how my brain works. What my traps are, and how you warned me for them.

You also gave me the feeling again that I knew what I was doing, doing it right, at an extreme pace.

Hearing it from you made me believe in myself again, and that's exactly what I need.

You also showed me how to get control over myself again, even if my world was completely out of control.

I don't know if the bubble exercise was really helpful – this is an NLP exercise we had prepared and was not helpful for this lady at that time -

One evening I had a conversation with X for the first time since a long time, and I think that helped me better than the bubble exercise. 

But it was probably because of the therapy I was able to have that conversation.

Emotionally I'm stable again

And I certainly didn't expect to be in a happy place again so soon. 

It went much faster than expected.

I really enjoyed this therapy. 

I know I analyse my mind a lot already, but it's nice to have a guide who knows what she is doing, and to stop me if I'm getting to harsh on myself.

The coaching helped a lot ! And I would recommend you ! “

During a coaching, it is the result between the person's commitment, understanding and reaction to what I am helping them understand about their life organisation / behaviour patterns that makes the difference.

It is not the person alone. 

It is not me alone.

It is a combination of 2 commitments. 

One personal and one professional.

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! ! 

Repatriation

Scarry or tempting ?

One I had to get out of my system for a while 

;o)

« Repatriation ? The worst. »

Shared one lady to me one day.

I am a life coach, working with expatriates / repatriates for 7 years now, with some academic knowledge about migration.

Here are below a few sentences people shared while working with me. 

You probably will feel you could have said one or several of those !

“I am back home for one year now and I do not fit with all those people who have never moved from their home !”

“I had Post Traumatic Stress  Symptom Disorder for 3 months after I was back home.”

“My family does not work the same way as families in my country, so it is very hard to fit in for all of us.”

“I became a very different person while expatriating.”

“The first weeks back home were horrible.”

“I felt like disconnected from my old friends”

Etc … etc … etc … this could go endlessly !

I began to feel, more or less consciously, the issues of repatriating when my own family did. I was then a child and never even had the conscious we were expatriates. So repatriates …. Even less ! 

We were just moving. We were together, and this was all fine to me then.

It took me years to understand why my home (internal family daily organisation), 

my house (interior decoration), 

my family dynamics (conversation, references, very strong bond between us …) were so different from those of my friends at school. 

I have to add that I loved those differences ! 

That was very positive to me ! 

I felt special and I liked it; by the way, isn’t that a very specific expat feeling ? !

And it took me years to understand as well the dysfunctions related to the expat. / repat. history of my family.

Then I chose to work with migrants while I was a social worker / now as a life coach.

One thing is for sure:

When you migrate, the notion of return / repatriation comes in the game at the same time. 

Whether actually you repatriate … or not.

This, because the very first psychological, cultural …. bath of your home family, your home country represent your roots and your first life ‘trampoline’ you jumped from.

You cannot avoid that.

This is the migrant fate. 

The return is always there. Fantasy or reality. You cannot do without. 

So, better facing it. In its reality or in your dreams; or it may well lead you to pretty uncomfortable places. Or not. Who can know in advance ?

I am not yet a fortune teller ;o)

Repatriation or reverse culture shock; 

What is happening ?

First of all; Do not believe that you WILL struggle going back home ! 

Struggling, for all of us depends on our personality. 

And even the most cheerful people do struggle and have ups and downs. 

Some old psychological fractures can be reactivated.

It also depends on which life page we are at. What you have to face at that moment.

What does the return represents; is it wanted or not ?

If it is synonymous of “Yeah ! Great ! I am so happy to go back home! “ 

Because finally, I will be closer to my family / my old friends 

Because, finally I will get back that job I was longing to have ! 

…

Or it may be synonymous of “ Oh Sprountz no ! “

Because you were so happy in this host country, so many fab friends / activities

Because you do not want to face your family /old friends

Because your country will put you in a place of less freedom

…

I do not think it is possible to know in advance for sure. Though there are red lights to be aware of.

Be honest with the way you feel when thinking about your repatriation and the red warning lights will show naturally if there are. 

That is the very first step to get this ok.

The, seek help if needed.

Repatriates never get back to what they knew before leaving. This is impossible. Life is about change. 

You have changed, People back home have changed. Be real. You all have moved on.

You will not find back your old habits. They do not exist anymore. You will need to create new ones.

You may be disappointed to realise that actually people are not mad curious about what you have experienced here and there in the world.

They may show they are dead bored after 10 mn you excitedly talk about that beautiful place you have been to.

This was not their life. It is yours.

They are happy (or not) with their life, exactly the way you are with yours (or not)

People back home do not need to connect with you. Their life is already oeganised.

All parties will need time to (re)connect and truly feel each has a genuine interest in the other ‘s life. And this goes both ways.

That leads me to a feeling that an expatriate shared with me one day. I found it extremely interesting as so rarely openly expressed and I am sharing it with you today as I think it plays a fair part in the expatriates relation with non-expatriates, and more specifically in the repatriation scenarri.

This lady said that too many expatriates feel they know more than people who do not expatriate. They do judge and place themselves above.

And there may be a jealousy from the non-expatriates when thinking about all the travels the life the expat has done.

Both equations may blur in a very negative way the inter relation between people.

Check where you are with this.

I dislike advice so much !

I prefer listening to what people who have been through something say about it and then, maybe one , two or more or none may be useful to you.

Here is what I heard that I feel is interesting, to which I added my own views:

Approach your repatriation the same way you approach expatriation: 

Be open

Be flexible

Start again and again. Do not give up

Look for the positives. There are !

Be proactive and NOT hyper active; One very good friend instead of 50 / one self-esteem-boosting activity better than 50 boring-ish

Go out, get away from this house if not yet a home

Stop judging; this is your frustration that negatively finds a way out of your system.

And maybe one point that belong the prevention department, so probably the most important one: 

Do not cut yourself from home. 

One way or the other, do not deny your roots. 

This would mean denying part of yourself. 

Not beneficial to you. 

Whatever the relation you have with home – location and people – that are part of you.

If you keep t:he connection at the level you chose to have, it will feel less of a big – huge ? – adjustment.

This is true for adults and children.

The challenges always lie in the difference.

If you reduce the difference by keeping in touch with home, it will end feel smoother to be back.

And if you never go back you may well benefit from it by feeling a stronger inner-peace, guilt-free.

Hope this helps, one way or the other !

Keep sending me your thoughts

here on Coaching Pia FB page or at piacoach@gmail.com

Merci ! !

Have a great day !

Hey ! Do you like this blog, does it inspire you ? Remember that you can subscribe to my newsletter, and so you will be notified as soon as I publish a new article! And if you really like it and if it really inspires you, tell your relatives, friends or family ! The inspiration and pleasure should be shared ! ! !