when teenangers do not adapt to expatriation- testimony

Staircase

Here is, as promised, the testimony of A. (not her real name), a mother whose teenager did not adapt well in expatriation.

A has agreed to describe the family situation and I do thank her for that. 

It will help others.

I regularly protest against the commonly accepted idea that children adapt easily and quickly to expatriation.

We always need to be careful to what seems irrefutable to us. That may change.

Sorry to repeat myself: most of the time, children do not have the choice but to expatriate. 

Some are ok, some are not, some feel in between. 

Some adapt well, some adapt less easily.

This is when my work starts.

You cannot grasp the reasons of why it isn’t going ok until you take time to discuss it with the children and their parents.

Different inter-connected parameters must be taken into consideration. 

Each parameter has its own importance, depending on the person’s story and personality.

Parameters can be:

The age of the child

Their sense of loyalty towards their parents

Their relationship with people / the environment they knew before the move (friendship; love; social and cultural commitment . . . )

Their personality: they may feel deeply in need of stability

Feeling stuck: no opportunity to express their own will about the move

An accumulation of moves that is not bearable to them anymore

Reasons are endless and the understanding of the situation can only be unique.

There are common causes and a unique way to experience and go through them.

Let’s go back to A’s family situation.

They have been expatriating for a few years. They currently live near Malaysia. 

Before accepting this assignment, the parents had assessed the situation and thought it would be an interesting experience for each and all of them. 

They aren’t dreamers and knew that there would be adaptations to deal with.

They thought:

There would be a great and large school: perfect opportunity for the children to build friendships. Reality has been different and their teenage girl did not adapt to school

No new language to deal with as English is commonly spoken; though their daily life has not been easier

The warm climate throughout the year would allow a lot of outdoor activities; it turned out that the heat and humidity made it difficult for them for such activities. The children were more than before, being stuck in the house and had developed difficult relationships.

A  and her husband had thought that many aspects of their new life would be a positive asset to all of them. This has proven to be wrong.

After a year, their teenage girl was unhappy. 

It was hard for her to adjust at school. 

As important exams approached for her, her parents were seriously determined to find a suitable solution.

They began to consider what they could modify. Their goal being that the new organisation would have to be as acceptable as possible for each of them.

Moving home ?

Change country ?

Abandon expatriate life ?

Change of employer ?

What could they change as parents ?  As a family ?

A solution came from expatriate friends who had gone through the same situation.

After a long time sharing with these friends, within the family, exploring all the options they could think of, the solution was given by their daughter herself. 

She was considering going to a boarding school, back in their home country, in Europe.

A told me that was a major step I their process of decision making. 

It has been uneasy at first for all of them to imagine being separated.

A says that the expatriates in their host country have very easily understood their choice since many of them are struggling to adapt.

Their family and friends back in Europe have greatly supported them and this also has been important to them.

The method of surviving the separation from her daughter for A is counting the days that separate their next reunion.

Modern means of communication via the internet are numerous and permit to daily hear and see the dear ones. This can lighten a little the weight of the physical daily separation.

In this family’s situation, the parents have maintained their parental roles as protectors, educators, loving and caring about the well-being of their child.

The parents-child relationship has changed but the basis remained the same despite being far from each other.

Everybody in the family seems satisfied so far with the decision taken. 

A  and her husband were able to quickly see the benefits for their daughter. 

She now has the social interactions she desperately needed.

It is essential for children to be connected with their parents in a constructive way

This family is not the only one facing that complex situation where the outcome can be difficult to consider.

Talking, sharing is an essential step that helps realise that you are not alone.

Help from family and friends are big.

You may want to choose the persons you are talking to. 

You won’t need a tailored solution, nor judgmental approaches.

There are always many options that are possible. 

The one you will chose has to be congruent 

with your values, your beliefs and your life reality.

A  and her husband were open to listen to their daughter’s opinion whilst carrying on their shoulders the weight of their decision.

They found a balance with the interest of each of them: adults and children.

You probably realise that 

if one child is feeling lost, 

another will be blooming in the same situation.

They have kept a positive and strong relationship with their daughter and have very regular contacts with her.

When one choice is made at a point, it needs to be assessed in regards with the new reality it has created as the family will go through a new balance.

And then, the choice made is considered as good enough to be maintained or decision is made to modify it either partially or totally.

Nothing has to be forever.

And that is fine.

Here are A’s words, touching and beautiful

“If anything, 

we are closer as a family than ever as we appreciate each other more”

Thank you again A.

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